What is taking so long?

The Sox and Mikey Lowell have been negotiating for like 2 weeks now. Why is it taking so long? This is my idea of what must be happening behind closed doors.

Mikey: I want 4 years.
Theo: We'll give you 3.
Mikey: But I want 4.
Theo: But we're offering you 3.
Mikey: But, don't you like me?
Theo: Yes, very much.
Mikey: Then give me 4 years!
Theo: We'd prefer to give you 3.
Mikey: You're not being nice.
Theo: Yes we are.
Mikey: No, you're not.
Theo: Yes we are.
Mikey: Nuh uh.
Theo: Yah huh.
Mikey: Meanie.
Theo: Do you wanna play on our team or not?
Mikey: Yeah.
Theo: Then stop calling me names.
Mikey: Then give me 4 years.
Theo: No.
Mikey: Yes.
Theo: Nope.
Mikey: Come on!
Theo: We'll give you 3.
Mikey: But I want 4.
Theo: We'll give you 3.
Mikey: You stink.
Theo: I know.
Mikey: What's one more year to you?
Theo: Well, what's it to you?
Mikey: I want to play for 4 years!
Theo: Well, what's it like to want?
Mikey: Come on. Just do it.
Theo: No
Mikey: You don't want me to sign with the Skankees, do you?
Theo: Why not? Look at how well that worked out for Johnny!
Mikey: That was a low blow.
Theo: I know.
Mikey: But seriously, I want 4 years.
Theo: We'll give you 3.
Mikey: You mean 4.
Theo: No, just 3.
Mikey: Pretty please?
Theo: No.
Mikey: Pretty please with sugar on top?
Theo: We'll give you 3, Mike. That's it.
Mikey: You're not being very nice.
Theo: It's not my job to be nice.
Mikey: But, I'm the World Series MVP!
Theo: Congratulations.
Mikey: That stands for Most Valuable Player!
Theo: Yes, I know what it stands for.
Mikey: Don't I deserve 4 years?
Theo: In 3 years, maybe we'll offer you another year.
Mikey: But why not save yourself the trouble and do it now.
Theo: We can't, Mike.
Mikey: Why not?
Theo: Because you're getting old, Mike.
Mikey: Ouch.
Theo: Sorry.
Mikey: You didn't need to point that out.
Theo: But, it's true.
Mikey: You really hurt my feelings, Theo.
Theo: I'm sorry, Mike.
Mikey: Sorry just won't cut it.
Theo: That's a shame.
Mikey: You could make it up to me by giving me 4 years.
Theo: We'll give you 3. Maybe we can throw in a few bottles of Just for Men haircolor.
Mikey: Really?
Theo: If it would help.
Mikey: That's tempting...
Theo: I thought it might be.
Mikey: How about 4 years plus the Just for Men.
Theo: We'll give you 3.
Mikey: Okay, 4 years and no Just for Men.
Theo: 3 years, Mike. That's it.
Mikey: I want 4 years.
Theo: We'll give you 3.
Mikey: 4.
Theo: 3.
Mikey: 4.
Theo: No.
Mikey: Dammit!

Hottest Baseball Players: Honorable Mentions

There's a ton of hotness in the MLB.
Just ask Lee Mazzilli...sometimes he just can't help himself...




I found it impossible to narrow it down to just 10 playahs without feeling like I leaving some major cuteness stranded on base.

So, I'm gonna need to toss around a few honorable mentions.


The first honorable mention goes to............


Jose Reyes



Add this guy to your fantasy team, because he can do it all.

He can throw...



He can catch...



He can hit...



He can groom himself like a cat...



And he enjoys a good beer shower.






The second honorable mention goes to.......


Trot Nixon


"Huh?" you might be saying to yourself. "Trot's not hot!" And I tend to agree with that sentiment. However, Trot had the balls to have this picture of himself put on a baseball card, and for that, he deserves an award.

Behold Trot in all his glory...



If that's not hot, I don't know what is.




The third honorable mention goes to.....


Nomarrrr Garciiiiaaaaapaaaaarrrrrrrrraaaaaaa

(Don't you miss the sound of the Fenway announcer saying his name? Me, too.)

Nomar is only hot when being viewed from the front. Things fall apart from the side. So, it's a good thing that Sports Illustrated settled on a front view for this 2001 cover.







The fourth honorable mention goes to....



Kevin Youkilis, as I see him through my baseball goggles


Ooooooooookay. I know that Kevin Youkilis looks like this...



Not a pretty sight.

But, when I watch baseball, my vision and judgment often get clouded by what I can only refer to as my "baseball goggles". These are analogous to beer goggles, but do not require beer. When I see an ugly player do something hot, my judgment gets clouded, and suddenly the player becomes hot.

This happens more often than not when I watch Youk. Because he is, in fact, a damn good player. He gets on base, plays LF when Manny is being Manny (even though he's a 1st/3rd baseman), and hangs in there even when 2/3rd of the team are on the DL. He even gets clutch hits. So, even though Youk looks like the picture above, I see him through my baseball goggles as looking more like this...



It's true. I can only see Youk for who he really is during the off-season. Once baseball season begins, all bets are off, and I will become Youki's bitch.




The fifth honorable mention goes to....


Theo Epstein



Okay, Theo doesn't actually play baseball, BUT, as General Manager of the Red Sox,
he still manages to be one of the most important players in the game.
Therefore, I think he's eligible for an honorable mention.






And the final honorable mention goes to........


Tom Brady



"What?!" you're probably thinking to yourself.
"Tom Brady is a football player and baby daddy, not a baseball player!"
But, did you know that Tom was drafted in 1995 to play baseball for the Montreal Expos? Therefore, I consider him enough of a baseball player to be eligible for an honorable mention. And boy, he deserves it, because he's so hot.









Is there anything cuter than Tom Brady with puppies?

What's the Mota?

Uh oh...just when it looked like we'd be getting a centerfielder named after a chocolately cereal, we got thrown a curve ball. Guillermo Mota failed his physical, and the deal is off. How did he fail his physical? More importantly, how did he pass his recent physical before being traded to the Sox from the Marlins if he was unable to pass the physical for the Indians trade? What's the Mota with him?

Doh. And I was so looking forward to having a big bowl full of Coco Krispies in honor of our new centerfielder.

But, at least we can all celebrate having a new GM! Meet the new boss. Same as the old boss.


(Image source)

Welcome back, Theo!

Last night the Red Sox announced that our beloved former General Manager, Theo Epstein, will be returning to the organization. Expect his new job to give him even more power than his former job. Can he save the season? I doubt it. But, maybe he'll save the 2007 season.

Here he is, getting some advice from his AA scout.


(Original image source)