The one hitter.

April 11th was Dice-K's big Fenway debut.

(It was also Tek's and Trot's birthday...happy b-day, boys!)

Unfortunately, Felix Hernandez stole Dice-K's thunder.

It started out innocently enough, with Dice-K and Ichiro exchanging pleasantries...




Dice-K got a little wild...



But he didn't hit anyone in the head.


Ichiro got a little crazy...



But he didn't hit Tek too hard.


Then those Mariners began getting hits off Dice-K.
It sucked.

Then this happened!



What the hell? That is an angle from which I have never seen Tek's butt.

While the Mariners were hitting Dice-K, the Sox were not hitting Felix Hernandez AT ALL!
Here are Felix and his catcher, Kenji, working on their game plan...




Dice-K was very sad that someone else was the star on what was supposed to be his big day...




Things got nasty when Youk got walked.
Adrian Beltre tried to kill him!



That punk Beltre used to be on my fantasy team, but I had to release him.
Nobody messes with my Youki and gets away with it! Nobody.

Then JD Drew went and spoiled everything (as he is wont to do)
and got the only hit Felix would throw that day.




But, Felix was still pretty happy when he got the last out.
He celebrated by shouting the same thing we all shout when we're happy...



Because they do, right?

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

This season is off to an interesting start.
Let's take a look at the good, the bad, and all the rest.

The good news...

Schill can still pitch like an ace.



Apparently, his first terrible start was just a fluke.


And guess what!
Josh Beckett is shaping up to be the awesome pitcher we all knew he had the potential to be! Hooray!




The bad news...

People are starting to realize that JD Drew is not Trot Nixon. Even though he stands were Trot used to stand and wears Trot's old number, nobody is fooled. Trot would have never let hits get by him into the RF corner the way JD has so far.



But, at least JD has been hitting consistently.
Don't worry JD, I ain't mad atcha. You're just NOT TROT.


Papi has already started his slug-fest.
But here's where things start to get ugly...

Just what is Alex Cora doing to Papi?




The Papel-bomb is not impressed...




And Dice-K is suddenly realizing what the hell he's signed up for.

Poor kid.

Dice-K readies himself for Thursday.

The Sox just had their first game yesterday and now they already have a day off???
WTF? It's not like they wore themselves out yesterday!

Anyway, it looks like there was more to Kansas City's win yesterday than what was captured by the NESN cameras.

Behold...



I knew there was something fishy about that game!
Who the hell sent for Batman?



GIL MECHE! Of course!

Whatever, I can sympathize...
I'd be too scared to face Big Papi without the aid of a superhero, too!


I've been having an intense inner debate with myself since yesterday's game.
Maybe you guys can help me decide.

Mark Grudzielanek:



Hot or not?


Dice-K has been having some pretty serious thoughts, too.
He's all psyched up for Thursday.
He knows there's a battle ahead, and he's ready.
He knows this is his chance to prove himself.
Failure is not an option.
He's getting himself mentally prepared for his very first...

Thirsty Thursday!

He's planning out which drinks to drink, in which order.



Dice-K, memorize this:
Liquor before beer, you're in the clear!

Opening day wins are for suckers.

So, the Red Sox didn't win their opening day game yesterday. They were beaten by the lowly Kansas City Royals. All I have to say is, "THANK GOD." Because the Red Sox never win their opening day game. Last year was the only time they've won it in this century. And we don't want a repeat of last year, do we? So, it's a good thing that they lost. I don't want them to go changing anything. If they won today, it would have been akin to Manny showing up at spring training a week early, or Papi trying to bunt all the time. Plus, how many highlights are those Kansas City boys going to have in a season? Just a couple. And winning today was one of them. So, good for them! It was nice of the Red Sox to let KC have one measly day of glory.

Poor Schill. It just wasn't working for him today.
God must hate him or something.




But, let's focus on the good news of the day!
Trot Nixon had a great game!
He went 3 for 4, with a double, a walk, and scored 3 runs!



Of course, he hit those for Cleveland, not Boston.
Just for the sake of comparison, let's see how his replacement did today.
JD Drew (aka Nancy Drew) went 1 for 2 with a walk. Hmm. Not nearly as exciting. He's clearly not Trot.

Hanley Ramirez also had an amazing game. He went 4 for 6, with 2 doubles, 1 rbi, 4 runs, and 2 stolen bases. Too bad he's playing for Florida, not Boston. What did our new SS do today? Well, Lugo was 1 for 4. But I'm sure he's worth every penny of that 12 million per year.

Yippee!

The Sox are looking good!

It's finally baseball season, and the Sox are ready to do battle again.


Papelbon is happy to be closing again...




Beckett is ready to show us the size of his balls...




Tek is ready to lead the team and look damn hot while doing so...



Yum.


Schill is ready to take out Beckett, karate kid style.
(Sweep a leg! No mercy!)




Look-ee here. What the heck is Manny doing?
He's not being Manny, that's for sure....




He was planning to rob a bank after this game. 20 mill is just not enough.




Johnny looks like he's ready to kick some ass...




Oops, not that Johnny! Wrong picture. I meant this Johnny.



He's gonna be our pitch-hitting lefty.


Dice-K is learning one more pitch, just in case the gyroball thing doesn't fly...




Uh oh...he looks worried...




He must be looking at this nonsense...




Hey Dice-K! What are the Yanks gonna do this season?



That's right. They're gonna choke.

This is the year!

I have a very good feeling about this season.
I know I say it every year, but I really think this is the year. For real.

I'm especially excited about Dice-K Matsuzaka!!!!

He's utterly adorable. He's smiling in almost every picture I've seen of him. Somebody should make a Dice-K teddy bear. He's that cute.



Dice-K reminds me of my favorite Hero, Hiro Nakamura. I wish someone would make Hiro into a teddy bear, too. Are you people watching Heroes? You should. It's that good.

Anyway, the resemblance between Dice-K and Hiro doesn't stop at the fact that they're both Japanese cutie pies with very round faces. They have similar mannerisms, too! Which leads me to conclude that Dice-K must be a hero, just like Hiro.

Here's a comparison.

Dice-K:




Hiro:




Dice-K:




Hiro:




Alright, I don't expect Dice-K to bend the space-time continuum.
But, I do expect him to break some bats. And maybe some records.

Here he is, proving his value to the Sox.
While it may look like he's making friends with Hideki Matsui in this picture...




...he's really just gaining his trust, so that he can do this:




Beating up on the Yankees is very funny.




Somebody needs to introduce Dice-K to Kevin Millar. Just for kicks.